Going, Going, Back, Back, to Kal-El
Published Tuesday, July 04, 2006 by have Metrocard, will travel | E-mail this post
Warning: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN SUPERMAN RETURNS YET! There are some major plot spoilers here. Click away, click away.
Today’s soundtrack:
he’s leaping buildings in a single bound,
I’m reading Shakespeare at my place downtown
Today at 1:02pm: thinking this guy has less class than the super of my building
Every superhero movie strives to show you how “human” the heroes are, and none has done this better than Bryan Singer’s Superman Returns. Watching the film, we can observe some previously unknown, surprising and disturbing details about Superman:
Superman is a lousy boyfriend. We learn that five years ago, Superman abandoned Lois without telling her he was leaving and without saying goodbye, because it was “too difficult.” Apparently the Man of Steel has the emotional fortitude of a teenage girl at sleepaway camp.
Superman is a stalker. After performing the titular action, Superman uses his super-hearing to eavesdrop on his ex at the office while disguised as Clark Kent. Then he eavesdrops again to get her address when she enters a taxi--then he flies to her house, uninvited. Using his x-ray (or should that be “ex-ray”) vision, he scopes out her pad, staring first at her kid, then checks out Lois in the kitchen, using his super-hearing to listen in on a private conversation between her and her new man.
Now look. If I told you that your ex-boyfriend was wearing disguises, eavesdropping on you, secretly following you to your house and then looking through walls at your kid, come on, you’d get a restraining order faster than a speeding bullet.
Superman is unsafe. So we find out Lois’ five-year-old kid, yeah, it’s Superman’s. Meaning Superman doesn’t use protection. Or maybe his super-sperm just busted through the Trojan, I don’t really know.
Superman is a deadbeat. Now that we know it’s his kid, we know that five years ago he basically knocked Lois up, then blew town. Wait, not just town, he left the planet. What kind of animal impregnates a woman, then moves to another solar system? What kind of shit is that? I guess he knew Child Services wouldn’t be able to locate him on the other side of Alpha Centauri.
Superman expects to be comped. After a stay in the hospital, he skips out without paying the bill! Just flies right out the window without even saying “thank you” or “goodbye” to any of the nurses, and it goes without saying he doesn’t leave his insurance info.
Other observations:
Lois Lane might have won a Pulitzer, but she ain’t winning any “Mother of the Year” awards. After picking her kid up from school, she decides to bring him with her while she goes to interview a convicted felon. Then she leaves her cell phone in the car while she and the little tyke climb onto a mysterious yacht.
Here’s my impression of Lois Lane as a mother: “Jason, take these scissors upstairs--quickly! RUN!”
The people of Metropolis are still visually-challenged idiots. Superman is on the front page of every paper, but once he puts a pair of glasses on--no one can recognize him! Not even the entire team of investigative reporters he works with. In this world you could rob a bank, shoot a cop or commit treason, then put a pair of Bausch & Lomb’s on and you’d be fine.
Director Bryan Singer is not from New York. Despite the fact that all the epic city shots of “Metropolis” are clearly of Manhattan and the surrounding boroughs, the movie lacks the geographical continuity you would find in a Spike Lee flick. Lois says she lives on Riverside Drive--an actual street on the west side of upper Manhattan--yet her house, as indicated by Superman’s stalking flight, is clearly on the promenade in Brooklyn Heights, in the opposite direction.
We all know Metropolis, like Gotham City, is supposed to be New York; all good superhero stories are set here. (No offense if you’re from this country’s other two cities, but no one wants to watch L.A. Man clearing up traffic on the 405, just as no one will pay to see Chicago Man making deep-dish pizzas.) But the details are all wrong! For example, why are New York cab drivers still depicted as gruff, middle-aged, cigar-smoking, fluent-English-speaking white guys with news-boy caps? The day you come to New York and find a cab driver who isn’t South Asian or Russian is the day you should go out and buy a lotto ticket.
As for buying a ticket to Superman Returns, well...I wish he’d return my ten bucks.
#
”I have commitment issues.”
Today’s soundtrack:
he’s leaping buildings in a single bound,
I’m reading Shakespeare at my place downtown
Today at 1:02pm: thinking this guy has less class than the super of my building
#
Every superhero movie strives to show you how “human” the heroes are, and none has done this better than Bryan Singer’s Superman Returns. Watching the film, we can observe some previously unknown, surprising and disturbing details about Superman:
Superman is a lousy boyfriend. We learn that five years ago, Superman abandoned Lois without telling her he was leaving and without saying goodbye, because it was “too difficult.” Apparently the Man of Steel has the emotional fortitude of a teenage girl at sleepaway camp.
Superman is a stalker. After performing the titular action, Superman uses his super-hearing to eavesdrop on his ex at the office while disguised as Clark Kent. Then he eavesdrops again to get her address when she enters a taxi--then he flies to her house, uninvited. Using his x-ray (or should that be “ex-ray”) vision, he scopes out her pad, staring first at her kid, then checks out Lois in the kitchen, using his super-hearing to listen in on a private conversation between her and her new man.
Now look. If I told you that your ex-boyfriend was wearing disguises, eavesdropping on you, secretly following you to your house and then looking through walls at your kid, come on, you’d get a restraining order faster than a speeding bullet.
Superman is unsafe. So we find out Lois’ five-year-old kid, yeah, it’s Superman’s. Meaning Superman doesn’t use protection. Or maybe his super-sperm just busted through the Trojan, I don’t really know.
Superman is a deadbeat. Now that we know it’s his kid, we know that five years ago he basically knocked Lois up, then blew town. Wait, not just town, he left the planet. What kind of animal impregnates a woman, then moves to another solar system? What kind of shit is that? I guess he knew Child Services wouldn’t be able to locate him on the other side of Alpha Centauri.
Superman expects to be comped. After a stay in the hospital, he skips out without paying the bill! Just flies right out the window without even saying “thank you” or “goodbye” to any of the nurses, and it goes without saying he doesn’t leave his insurance info.
#
Other observations:
Lois Lane might have won a Pulitzer, but she ain’t winning any “Mother of the Year” awards. After picking her kid up from school, she decides to bring him with her while she goes to interview a convicted felon. Then she leaves her cell phone in the car while she and the little tyke climb onto a mysterious yacht.
Here’s my impression of Lois Lane as a mother: “Jason, take these scissors upstairs--quickly! RUN!”
The people of Metropolis are still visually-challenged idiots. Superman is on the front page of every paper, but once he puts a pair of glasses on--no one can recognize him! Not even the entire team of investigative reporters he works with. In this world you could rob a bank, shoot a cop or commit treason, then put a pair of Bausch & Lomb’s on and you’d be fine.
Director Bryan Singer is not from New York. Despite the fact that all the epic city shots of “Metropolis” are clearly of Manhattan and the surrounding boroughs, the movie lacks the geographical continuity you would find in a Spike Lee flick. Lois says she lives on Riverside Drive--an actual street on the west side of upper Manhattan--yet her house, as indicated by Superman’s stalking flight, is clearly on the promenade in Brooklyn Heights, in the opposite direction.
We all know Metropolis, like Gotham City, is supposed to be New York; all good superhero stories are set here. (No offense if you’re from this country’s other two cities, but no one wants to watch L.A. Man clearing up traffic on the 405, just as no one will pay to see Chicago Man making deep-dish pizzas.) But the details are all wrong! For example, why are New York cab drivers still depicted as gruff, middle-aged, cigar-smoking, fluent-English-speaking white guys with news-boy caps? The day you come to New York and find a cab driver who isn’t South Asian or Russian is the day you should go out and buy a lotto ticket.
As for buying a ticket to Superman Returns, well...I wish he’d return my ten bucks.
23 Responses to “Going, Going, Back, Back, to Kal-El”
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Here's another observation I noticed. Lois Lane is a whore, or at the very minimum, a tramp. Just look at the timeline regarding her, Superman, the kid, and the new man in her life. She sleeps around with Superman, gets knocked up, and almost immediately after Superman flees, goes out looking for another guy (the boss's son no less), which she almost immediately sleeps with as well. This is indicated by the new guy thinking that the kid is his, so apparently, she must've been screwing the new guy within at least a few weeks of getting knocked up by Superman. Let's just hope Superman is immune against STDs.
"ex-ray" - Ha!
I agree with the comment about clark kent/superman's "disguise." I never got that, so I never got into the comic itself. As far as watching the movie goes, I'm going save my ten bucks. Thanks for the heads up. Waiting for Spiderman 3.
you know, in order to really carry through on the title of your entry, you need another "Kal-El" in there . . . that's how the song goes anyhow ;-)
Batman Begins --> definitely filmed in Chicago and about Chicago. Plus, he's way cooler than Superman.
Not Exactly Father of the Year, even if we believe he had no idea he knocked up Lois, upon learning that he has a kid he visits him WHEN HE IS SLEEPING and tries to sneak away without talking to Lois and then when confronted by Lois basically says "Uh...yeah, you know, I'll be around and um...er...gots to fly!" whooosh.
i thought metropolis was known to be chicago, and gotham was new york? isn't that how DC comics divided their world?
Haven't seen the film yet, but hopefully it'll be good... the last DC film Batman: Begins was bloody wicked.
Just wondering, any more bachelour cooking coming any time soon?
re: buhbuh
yeah, it is. metropolis is supposed to be a midwestern city which close to the rural smallville where Clark grew up.
mr. rain noe, why have your updates become so sporadic? what am i to do w/ all the time i've got in my cubicle??
You suck...no updates for weeks at a time. You're losing readers.
YOU suck, you have no patience, F off.
Give the brother time. Life's infinite complications and limitless obligations can bog the best of us. :)
Just watched the movie, where was the protection!!!!!!!?!?!?! If we were to assume that he did use a condom, I think his super sperm must have been to much for earth's primitive condoms. Back on krypton, they must've used steel condoms.
No, not steel, simply skin from Kryptonian sheep.
New Illmatic posts from teh illest of them all. 2 years in the making... effin' brilliant. Good to see the despot's failing missles haven't swayed his prose.
I'd like to go to your next reading. When is your next booking??
Please post again :).
great observations
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