Today’s soundtrack: stop your running around
Today at 12:02pm: paying the Con Ed bill


Ladies: Do you know what we men do, when we go to take a piss and find a sheet of toilet paper floating on the water?

We cut it in half with a focused, jet-like stream of pee. We saw that thing right in half, bzzzzz. We don't want to, we have to. If it's really long we'll cut it into thirds and sometimes we'll cut it on the bias.

Why we do this, I can't say; marksmanship, probably. If they sold penis-mounted laser scopes all of us would get them so we could cut the toilet paper in half with previously unattainable levels of precision. In lockerrooms worldwide there would be red dots everywhere while guys tried to hit targets on the ceiling or twenty yards outside the window. The descendants of William Tell would be chugging gallons of water and blowing apples off the tops of each other's heads.

No man was ever taught to cut floating toilet paper in half, nor do we discuss it with each other, yet all of us do it out of instinct. If we were peeing in a stream and a log floated past, we'd try to cut that in half too, or at least submerge it with a powerful blast. If we missed and it floated away before we got to submerge it, we'd finish taking our piss with a quiet, disappointed expression on our faces.