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Travel has taught me to pack light. So why the hell am I kitted out at 38 pounds?

I divided the things I'd be bringing into six groups and weighed each of them using a postal scale, to see where the fat was. Here are the results.

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Backpack
Weight: 6.75 lbs

The main part of the bag has a little friend (right),
a normal-sized backpack which attaches to the back.

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The main part of the bag resembles a shapeless suitcase...

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...but unzipping the rear stowaway cover
reveals full-size shoulder and waist straps.

It’s an internal-frame EMS (Eastern Mountain Sports) 4000 Travel which I purchased in 1995, for the first time I “did Europe.” In the ten years since it has served me well, having been dragged across Europe, Japan, America, Vietnam, and one godforsaken camping site in upstate New York.

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Group One: Clothing
Weight: 7.75 lbs

- 2 pairs of jeans
- 7 pairs boxers
- 8 pairs socks
- 6 T-shirts
- 1 jacket
- bathing suit
- travel towel
- flip flops

Two pairs of jeans (one pair in the bag and the other hanging from my skinny ass). I suppose you can do 30 hot summer days in a single pair of pants, but you could also shit in a bucket to save water. Plus I don't feel like sitting around in some German laundromat in my underwear.

Boxers and socks are another area where I was unwilling to pare down. Hotcrotch in recycled boxers is asking for trouble, and having clean feet is important to me because, well, I eat with them. Okay so I don't but the question is, if I did would you judge me.

Plus boxers and socks take up next to no space. The socks I'm bringing are the low kind, often called "ankle socks" because they were invented in the ancient Greek city of Anklos.

Speaking of socks, my girlfriend knocked mine off by packing far lighter than me in every category, bringing only three shirts. Faced with this sudden and uncomfortable gender role reversal, I halved my load of shirts, but the postal scale showed a weight savings of less than 0.5 pounds, so back in the bag they went.

The bulk of the weight, according to the scale, was the jacket, the jeans and the flip-flops, believe it or not. I brought flip-flops because, as anyone familiar with a hostel will tell you, the floors of their men's showers are among the nastiest surfaces on Earth, covered in the detritus of grungy travelers from around the world. It's a kind of UN of urine, grime and pubic hairs. So I'll wear the flip-flops in there as well as if we make it to a beach.

One item in this category that weighs next to nothing is the travel towel. For those of you don't know what it is, it's basically a chamois, the thing they use to dry your car off at the car wash. Doesn't feel particularly great on your skin, but when you’re backpacking it’s either this or drip-drying.

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Group Two: Personal Items
Weight: 1.4 lbs

- eyeglasses
- notebook
- pens
- condoms
- gum

Condoms in case I find work as a drug mule, and I’m bringing American gum because foreign gum loses its flavor faster than reality shows.

The tiny silver pen is my travel pen, super-compact. The larger pen is one of the "impulse buys" they stock at the counter at Staples; it lights up and illuminates the page. Great for airplanes and trains although I think the constant flickering annoys the shit out of other passengers.

The white and black notepads are from Japan and Staples, respectively. I prefer foreign notebooks because they're smaller. The notepads from Staples are shite--if someone coughs, the cover will fall off--but I don't have any left from my Japanese stash.

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Group Three: Electronics
Weight: 10 goddamn pounds

- laptop +adapter
- pen tablet +pen
- night camera +adapter
- day camera +adapter
- mini-tripod
- USB cable for camera
- foreign power adapters

If I could avoid bringing the laptop I would, but The Corporation said they have a huge project I have to work on starting the day after I leave. So I gotta haul this goddamn six-pounder around wimme, along with the pen tablet and pen which are critical for the nature of the work I do.

The Canon SD-10 I've got is ultracompact and great for daylight shots, but it shoots like shit at night. My ancient Sony DSC-P1 is super-slow, bulky and heavy, but it shoots well in low-light situations. Hence I bring both and their requisite adapters.

The mini-tripod might sound impressive or heavy but it's neither, roughly the size of a fork and weighing not much more. Good for bracing the camera on long-exposure shots.

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Group Four: Travel Gear
Weight: 5.6 lbs

- travel guide (cut into sections)
- hidden moneypouch for the gf (black)
- hidden moneypouch for me (tan)
- backpack raincover
- day bag for the gf
- day bag for me
- shoulder strap for either my day bag or pack
- black zip-ties
- "surfer wallet" waterproof container for cigs, cash or as a second hidden inside-pants-leg pouch
- swiss army knife
- 2 combination locks (carabiner-style) for the backpack
- 4 carabiners
- 2 combination locks (mini) with lightweight cables
- bungy cord (not pictured)

The zip-ties weigh next to nothing and are good for shackling things. In thief-heavy areas (Italy, South of France, Spain) you can use it to quickly attach your bag to luggage racks and the like, to prevent snatch-n-grab-it thieves from absconding with your stuff.

Every zipper on every bag I own has a lock that goes through it. Two of my locks came with lightweight cables which I use to fasten the bags to stationary objects or fat people during overnight stays. They're also handy for connecting any stray cats you come across.

The carabiners are the cheap Chinese kind that will kill you if you try to climb with them, but they are great for stringing up improvisational clotheslines and the like.

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Group Five: Toiletries
Weight: 3 lbs

- 5 bottles sample-sized body soap
- shaver
- witch hazel
- cotton balls
- sunscreen
- toothpaste and capped toothbrush
- 2 bottles sample-sized shampoo
- q-tips (not pictured)

On the road I shave using the battery-operated microshaver, using my zippo as a mirror.

For the past few weeks I have been washing only half of my face with facial cleanser, and I notice no difference on my skin. Therefore I have opted not to bring the facial cleanser and will go a month without washing my face. I’ll occasionally degrease my grill using cotton balls and witch hazel. If it sounds disgusting, get off my back; you’re reading my blog, not licking my face.

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Group Six: Useful Non-Essentials
Weight: 3.25 lbs

- inflatable travel pillow
- Powerbars
- serrated camping knife
- kleenex for toilet paper
- wetnaps
- mini-flashlight
- tylenol
- earplugs
- band aids and first aid ointment
- zinc tablets
- liquid hand sanitizer
- 2 bottles sample-sized mouthwash
- motion sickness pills
- antacids
- dental floss (not pictured)

This is where experience comes in handy; these are items I'd pack based on being in situations where I wished I'd had these things with me. Although none are absolutely necessary, most are useful for train travel.

The Powerbars are meal-replacement failsafes, in case broken-down trains leave you stranded in areas without food. (Sometimes late at night, or in smaller towns, everything is closed and you're starving.)

The knife is great for resolving drunken conflicts.

Kleenex-slash-toilet paper can come in handy. I had a friend who traveled through a toilet-paper-scarce Greece; he wiped his ass using pages of a book he'd already read. Eventually he began outshitting his reading, so he'd have to quickly read five pages before he could drop the bomb.

A Swiss Army Knife is little more than a novelty in civilian, urban life back home, but on the road I have gotten good use out of the can opener, the corkscrew and even the tweezers. You never know when you will run into someone whose eyebrows require tweezing, and the corkscrew is useful for putting helical holes through a block of cheese to explain wormholes and the fifth dimension to fellow cabinmates.

Liquid hand sanitizer is great for picnics, or situations where you have to shake a foreigner's hand and want to display your prejudice by immediately disinfecting it afterwards, right in front of them.

Mouthwash for when you have no access to clean running water to brush your teeth.

Dental floss is good for tying things together, it's basically compact, ghetto twine.

Obviously they have medication overseas, but on the off-chance I'll actually need some I prefer buying it while I'm still in America. Ever try reading a product warning label in German? "I think it says to take 47 of these pills in a row, and mix it with something called Achtung."

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Thirty-eight goddamn pounds.

Let’s get it on.

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