Today’s soundtrack: CDs and T-shirts and promos
Today at 8:32pm: supporting the Hollywood economy



Hey so I saw Star Wars. I didn’t think it was great, and despite the twist ending--Anakin turns into Darth Vader!!!--it’s really not that interesting.

It’s clearly been focus-grouped. The aliens have lost their Earthly ethnic accents--remember when the blue guys sounded like Chinese dudes, and Jar Jar’s voice actor was a West Indian wannabe?

Yoda’s pulling that same shit where he can jump around like a mofo during fights, but in everyday life he walks with a cane. My theory is he’s trying to get Workman’s Comp. The Force they’ve got; good health insurance they don’t.

And I’ll tell you something about those Jedi; they like cutting people’s hands off. It’s a thing. This is the sixth Star Wars to come out and people have been getting their hands chopped off since the second. Every time they turn the Light Sabers on you know someone’s about to lose a mitt. If Jedi knights were trash talkers they’d probably turn their shit on and say “Hey man...I hope you don’t own any expensive gloves. ‘Cause in a minute you won’t be needing ‘em.”

I bet the original Jedi weapon was just called a Saber. It was like a regular sword, just metal, it didn’t glow or retract. But every time they used it to cut someone’s hands off blood would go squirting all over the goddamn place. After duels they’d go back to the Jedi locker room covered in red splatters like they just played paintball.

So they developed the Light Saber, which automatically cauterizes wounds. Probably because it’s hot or made out of light or whatever. Now when they amputate, the bloody stumps are cleanly sealed by the patented Light Saber cauterizing action.

But the Jedi are old-fashioned folk and slow to adapt, so sales of the new Light Sabers didn’t take off until this commercial: