Fucking A! I just accidentally swallowed a bunch of dishwashing detergent. I was eating dried mangoes (my favorite) and I rinsed all the sulfites off and put them into a bowl. I only have three bowls, two were dirty and one was on the counter. I thought I washed it and forgot I had poured a bunch of detergent in there to soak it. So I put the mangoes in there.

I ate the mangoes while I was surfing the web, so I wasn’t really paying attention. A quarter way through the bowl I noticed they tasted funny, but kept eating because I’m really smart. Halfway through the bowl I stopped to inspect them and discovered they were all coated in detergent!

First my chest started tingling slightly, then it turned to mild burning. I got on IM to locate an ex-girlfriend of mine who’s basically a doctor. She’s a genius--I don’t mean that euphemistically, I mean an actual genius--and she knows everything about medicine. (Some of you may be saying “Well if she’s a genius then why did she date you,” and you can of course go to hell.) She said I should drink lots of water and make myself vomit.

Did the water thing, then spent a lot of time over the toilet, failing to vomit. But the other day I scrubbed my bathroom really thoroughly and looking into the toilet now, I’m very impressed. I really did a good job. You could eat sushi or snort blow off the lip. I’ve wanted to hire a maid to clean my bathroom ever since I turned thirty but I’ve never had the money.

As the burning became more acute I jammed my finger down my throat and did the trick where you look straight up. Nothing but wracking dry heaves. With the noises I was making I’m surprised my neighbor hasn’t called the cops.

I decided to downshift on upchucking. I got back online and told my ex I was a failed puker. She said I gotta flush it out, with something that would go through me, like tea, Gatorade or even coffee. I chose coffee because it tastes the best but in retrospect I probably should’ve drank Gatorade.

As I write this, I feel a little better. Maybe it was the coffee. The burning is less. I am going to go make another cup now.

Okay the coffee is on the boil. I’m not even sure why I’m writing about this. Maybe because my life is empty and I’m consistently amazed at how I can overestimate my intelligence. There was that period where I kept electrocuting myself, now this. I’m going to have to buy household cleaners with childproof caps and have friends dispense them. I’ll only be able to clean when friends come over.

The burning is still less, this is good. Man. It felt like having a UTI in your chest. Actually I don’t know because I’ve never had a UTI, but I know all about them because of another ex (not the genius). I even know about TSS because when Yuka and I used to go grocery shopping together and her English wasn’t so hot I had to read the tampon packages to her.

Wow. I totally freaked out there for a second, didn’t I? Yes, yes I did.