Today’s soundtrack: bad medicine is what I need
Today at 9:32pm: waiting on line at United Artists Union Square

Just saw Dawn of the Dead with Lam, Sing and Julie. It was pretty decent, if not as good as I’d hoped. Without spoiling any major plot details, it’s about a group of everyday people besieged by zombies.

I noticed that everyone in the movie, from housewife to hillbilly, was comfortable with firearms and had great aim. Got me thinking I should go to a firing range and become fluent with firearms, in case I ever need to hole up in a shopping mall and blow mutants away.

As anyone familiar with zombie lore knows, to disable a zombie you must destroy the brain or isolate it from the rest of the body, meaning you either gotta cap it in the skull or swing a sword through its neck.

I have some experience with a sword, so it’s conceivable I could cleanly remove the head from an attacking zombie, but in this movie they’re fighting like ten, twenty zombies at a time so I would probably get overwhelmed. I bet my arms would get really tired. I might even get a sports injury, like tennis elbow, but it would be zombie shoulder or something. So I’d rather use a gun.

Then again, holding a firearm steady for prolonged periods must be tiring too. So for zombie problems I think a tripod-mounted heavy machine gun would be ideal. You could obliterate incoming zombies from the comfort of a crouched or maybe even seated position. Also, from what I understand with those sorts of rifles aim is not so much an issue.

If I was an eccentric millionaire, I would go out and buy a tripod-mounted heavy machine gun after seeing this movie. Also I would look into some type of kevlar jumpsuit with headgear that protects you from bites. I think they have similar diving suits that are supposedly sharkproof. To understand why you need to be protected from bites, please read the following fact sheet.


Zombies: Who are they, and what do they want?

Fact: Zombies want to bite you.
Fact: A zombie bite will always become infected.
Fact: Once infected, you eventually die and become a zombie.
Fact: Unlike old-school zombies, modern-day zombies can run fucking fast.


I was impressed withhow fast some of the zombies in this movie were. They had a couple that were like the Carl Lewis of zombies. When viewing older zombie movies I was always like “Ah, I could outrun those guys” but watching this one I was like Man, if you wanna outrun these motherfuckers you’d better have those Nikes laced up tight. And you better eat a powerbar or something. ‘Cause these bitches can run.

Although the upgraded zombies are fast, luckily they’re not smart. They can’t do things like drive a car or make phone calls or fill out complicated tax documents or pick locks. In fact I don’t even think they can talk. Good thing, too. If zombies could make phone calls you’d just be fucked.

Anyways the tagline of the movie is “When there’s no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth.” So never mind rebuilding Iraq, I think if the U.S. Government wants to avoid some serious problems they’d better start rebuilding Hell. I’m talking multi-story high-density housing with room for growth.

The should have a new branch of Urban Planning called Hell Planning. A bunch of architects holding focus groups with sinners.