Today’s soundtrack: let the music take your mind.
Today at 8:02pm: Burning dinner.


The change was slight at first, but now I definitely notice it: My spaceship has stopped turning. I can still hurtle through space but the outer perimeter of the craft doesn’t rotate like it used to.

There are two kinds of problems, those that can be ameliorated by listening to Smokey Robinson and those that can’t. I’ve discovered that listening to “Cruisin’ Together” won’t get my heat turned back on or light a fire under the ass of the douchebag in Corporate Accounting who won’t send my dough on time.

Why won’t they pay me? The Corporation’s most recent paychecks are later than my high school girlfriend’s periods. And giving me about as much angst. I do the work and hand it in on time, why can’t you people mail the checks on time? Fortune Five-Fuckdred.

After a brief windfall in late autumn, the work died down and my finances are where I left them: In Hell. My PIN code should be 666. I would punch it in then flames would shoot out of the ATM slot.

Work died down, The Corporation hasn’t activated my launch code in almost three weeks. I used to have freelance gigs on the side but these days I’ve got less clients than Heidi Fleiss. The few dollars I have left in my pocket are so old they aren’t even green anymore, they’ve ripened.

Looks like I ain’t gonna get to go overseas anytime soon. Montreal was supposed to be an affordable mini-vacation to sate the border-crossing itch, but unfortunately it sucked and costed more than I thought it would. Learning to live with bad decisions, all part of the fun of being an adult.

I so desperately need to leave the country and go someplace drastically different. Top choices: Cuba, Finland, The Moon. (Earth’s moon, you fool, and you can be damned sure I’ll be on the side facing away from Earth.)

Ten reasons to live:

10. “Sleepwalk” - The Ventures
9. “Cruisin’ Together” - Smokey Robinson
8. “Bewildered” - James Brown and the Famous Flames
7. “Ramble On” - Led Zeppelin
6. “Glass Figurine” - Andrew Bird’s Bowl of Fire
5. “Mambo Mucho Mambo” - Machito and his Afro-Cuban Orchestra
4. “The Headmaster Ritual” - The Smiths
3. “Lo Boob Oscillator” - Stereolab
2. The hope that I might get to shut someone up with a well-timed sarcastic barb in a social situation where retaliation would be gauche
1. Am curious to see if my penis will work through my fifties

I was reading this article about snipers in the Times. Apparently the Army screens would-be snipers very carefully, you’ve got to have the right psych profile and such. More than fifty percent of applicants wash out.

I want to believe I would make the cut...but I probably wouldn’t.

I probably have the right psych profile but lousy fucking aim.


(BLAM)

Dammit!

(BLAM)

Almost got him that time.

(BLAM)

So close! So, so close.

(BLAM)

He keeps moving!

(BLAM)

HEY, YOU! STOP FUCKING MOVING! I’M GONNA GET YOU SOONER OR LATER SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL STOP MOVING.

(BLAM)

I don’t think he heard me.