Do NOT read below if you have not seen Lord of the Rings III: Return of the King, because I’m going to discuss the ending.

It was definitely satisfying, worth every penny of the ten bucks. They neatly tied up most of the storylines so you know what happens to everyone, but to me there are many questions they left unanswered.

So I think they should make a fourth one, Lord of the Rings IV: The Clean-Up. What a mess they made in this movie! From the battle at Minas Tirith to that city they trashed by the river to the destruction of Mount Doom and all of Mordor.


Here are the unresolved issues:

1. Orc-aid. At the end of the movie, Mordor is destroyed and thousands of orcs flee into the countryside. This is a humanitarian disaster! Where are all these now-homeless orcs going to live, and what will they eat? And do you want an unemployed, displaced population of thousands running around carrying spiked iron balls and shit?

2. Lord of the EPA. After Frodo ditches the ring Mount Doom erupts, explodes and erodes. I’m no expert agriculturalist, but come on, all that molten lava can’t be good for the ecosystem. The fallout must have been crazy. Not to mention with that much soot in the air, Gandalf the White had better have plenty of detergent.


BILBO
Oh, you became Gandalf the Grey again!

GANDALF
No, I’m still Gandalf the White.

BILBO
But your robes are all--

GANDALF
I know, I know, I know, shut up about it already. Mordor’s covered in like three feet of soot so what do you want from me.


3. Clean-up in Aisle Seven. The war at Minas Tirith (the white city, the one that looked like a Parliament ad) left a huuuuge goddamned mess in front of the city. Broken catapults, ruined siege towers, gargantuan chunks of masonry, and thousands of corpses, including at least twelve of those gigantic elephant-things.

What do you do with the corpse of a forty-foot war mammoth? You can’t just leave it there to rot--can you imagine the smell? But you can’t exactly drag it away either, I mean where are you going to put it.

I guess they could cut them up and make elephant steak, but you can practically see the looks on kids’ faces (“We’re eating elephant again?”) and whatever they didn’t finish in a week would probably go bad, since they didn’t have refrigerators and stuff.

If I was mayor of Minas Tirith I would dictate the hobbits drag the corpses of all twelve war mammoths back to The Shire. “Oh, they’re little people all right, but don’t underestimate them! You saw what they did. Compared to getting rid of that ring this oughta be a piece of cake... Frodo! You want some rope?”

On the other hand, the broken catapults were probably easy to get rid off--they had wheels, so you could drag them to a lot behind the city and sell them at a discount. (“Like new! Low mileage! Only used once!”) And as far as the siege towers, I guess you could save those in case you needed to raid a neighboring city.

Random Observations:

- For a wizard, Gandalf doesn’t seem to do a lot of goddamned magic. There’s one scene where he rides out and scares dragons away by turning his staff into a huge flashlight. Other than that he doesn’t do so much as pull a penny out of Frodo’s ear. Magicians at children’s birthday parties do more tricks than this guy.

- As Lam pointed out, Gandalf has an air freshener on the top of his staff. (Check it out.) I guess he has some personal odor issues.

- There seemed to be more than one scene where two hobbits take a tumble down a hill or battlefield and one of them lands on top of the other. And then, rather than standing and dusting themselves off, they recite several lines of dialogue to each other while in the prone position. Hmmm.

- I’m not afraid to say it: That scene at the end, where three hobbits are frolicking in a bed and then an extremely enthusiastic-looking dwarf shows up? Yeah, I got a little uncomfortable.

- Do you think Hobbits have huge penises? ‘Cause their feet are like HUGE.

As with the previous two films, it’s a little difficult not to be disappointed with Frodo’s performance. Like if you were Frodo’s boss, you’d totally fire him. The paperwork might look like this:


Performance Review
Employee: Baggins, Frodo

Employee demonstrates:

- A lack of follow-through
- Inability to delegate tasks
- Inability to take command of a situation
- Inability to identify problems and implement synergistic solutions
- A tendency to pass out during times of danger
- A tendency to cry when scared or despairing
- Inability to correctly select which of two companions to align himself with: a) an honest, trustworthy, hardworking and lifelong friend, or b) a murderous, schizophrenic mutant.

Comments: Subject appears dazed and is perenially unshod. Recommend dismissal pending consultation with HR.


If you ask me, Sam is the one who does all the heavy lifting. That’s right, the gardener.

So the end finally comes, and surprise surprise, Frodo can’t do the job. He can’t throw the ring into the fire. Gee, who could’ve seen this coming. All those times he cried and started whining, I said to myself “Now here’s a guy with some cojones.” But no!

If I was Sam, at that point I would’ve double-drop-kicked Frodo right off that ledge. Then I would’ve picked Gollum up and twisted him into a pretzel, and sent him to keep Frodo company.


GANDALF
So what happened?

SAM
Job’s done.

GANDALF
What happened to Frodo?

SAM
Er...he fell.