Today’s soundtrack:
I've been accused of everything,
from Timbuktu to old Berlin.
Today at 6:02pm: I accidentally punched my partner in the face in Hapkido during a drill.



I am so out of here. Tomorrow night I’m going to get in my car and point the thing north and chomp on a cigarette and stomp on the gas. I will play Django Reinhardt as I leave the city limits. Then the big city will get smaller behind me. Next will come eight hours of driving, and I’ll cross an international border and soon another big city will loom large in front of me.

I probably won’t really smoke in the car though, ‘cause I’m going up with Lam and Tony, whose habits include breathing regular oxygen. Even when they get stressed out.

You ever smoke when it’s cold outside and you can see your breath? It’s difficult to tell when you’re done exhaling. Anyways Lam says it will be very cold in Canada.


LAM
I checked the weather, it’s going to be very cold up there.

ME
How cold?

LAM
One degree.

ME
Farenheit, or Celsius?

LAM
Um...Kelvin.


I realize it’s stupid to go to Canada in winter. Kind of like going to Hell in summer. If you die in July and wind up in Hell I bet you regret it a hell of a lot more than if you went in January.


IMP
Welcome to Hell! Prepare to burn in hellfire for all eternity, human. Rest assured you will be miserable.

ME
This place doesn’t seem so bad to me.

IMP
What?

ME
I can appreciate it for the heat value.

IMP
Well you’re not supposed to appreciate it for the heat value. You’re supposed to atone for your sins and--

ME
You don’t understand, my apartment is freezing. You could store fish in the bedroom. Me, I wanted to come to Hell, I applied for early decision. I had a clean record so I robbed a couple liquor stores just to get on the roster.

IMP
Did you shoot any clerks?

ME
No, I just waved the gun around.

IMP
Did you at least use the money to buy drugs or stolen goods?

ME
No, I gave it to charity.

IMP
[sighing] Then you can’t stay here, jackass--you’re not a real sinner. Get back on the elevator.

ME
No, wait, I lied! I used the money to buy drugs! Lots and lots of drugs!

IMP
Is that right. What kind?

ME
The bad kind! The bad, bad kind! Uh...Fastballs! And Quaaludes!

IMP
[putting pitchfork away in disgust] They’re called Speedballs, jackass, and they don’t make Quaaludes anymore. Get upstairs, you make me sick.


None of us are really clear on what we’re going to do once we actually get to Montreal. I like traveling though because your initial daily mission is to find food and a roof to put over your head, and after that you can do whatever the hell you want. No boss, no timesheets, no deadlines, no voicemail. No eating food on trays, no meetings, no teleconferences.


Did I tell you I stopped wearing a tie to work? Well, I did. I mean I work at McDonald’s but still.

Seriously though I did stop wearing a tie to work, because I realized The Corporation doesn’t consider me a real employee. I’m just a perma-lance on-site consultant. I would discuss this further but I am sensitive to the fact that I would be wasting your time.


So I hear they speak French in much of Montreal, and they’re such purists about the language they won’t adopt English words. I heard they don’t even have a word for the Internet. They probably call it “Le Wondrous Interconnected Computer System ‘de’ Something” in French. Which makes no damn difference to me because I am not your typical vulgar American. I mean I am vulgar but it has less to do with my citizenship and more to do with having been a maladjusted child.


I am thus far rather disappointed with the Canon Powershot SD-10 because, who’da thunk, the camera is so goddamn small you can’t help but take a shaky picture. The thing just has no weight to it so it’s very difficult to keep your hand steady. But on the viewfinder everything looks crisper than a bucket of Original Recipe.

So it’s not until you get home and upload that you realize you’ve shot 30 pictures’ worth of CRAP. I got photos look like I shot ‘em in an earthquake after drinking two pots of Maxwell House. This has caused me no end of frustration.

My other gripe is that you have to deactivate the flash each and every time you turn the goddamn camera on. Sometimes I forget, like today--I tried to take a surreptitious picture on the crowded subway and FFFFLASH! the motherfucker went off, alerting everyone in the car.

I felt pretty stupid after that so I stared at the window until my ears stopped burning. I was waiting for people to come up to me and say things like “I’m not angry...just disappointed in you” or “It just takes one bad apple to ruin it for the rest of us” or “Go to your room and think about what you’ve done.”

Anyways after Union Square a good deal of people got off the train and I felt like my embarrassment left with them, so I took another shot. It didn’t come out how I wanted but here it is:

What a gyp. I drop three-something bills on a new camera and now I gotta tie rocks to the damn thing to take a steady picture.


MONTREALITE #1
There is an American! Let us throw rocks at him.

MONTREALITE #2
Throw!

MONTREALITE #1
Throw!

MONTREALITE #2
Look...he is tying the rocks to his camera.

MONTREALITE #1
Why would anyone do such a thing?

MONTREALITE #2
Because, you fool, he is an American.

MONTREALITE #1
They are so vulgar.

MONTREALITE #2
Yes but this one, he seems like his vulgarity is not due to citizenship, but rather a function of having had a maladjusted childhood.

MONTREALITE #1
How would you know?

MONTREALITE #2
I’ve been reading about psychology on Le Wondrous Interconnected Computer System de Wide World.

MONTREALITE #1
Let us throw cheese at him!

MONTREALITE #2
Throw!

MONTREALITE #1
Throw!