Today’s soundtrack: around the world, around the world
Today at 1:32pm: hustling through Barnes & Noble



Today’s Missions:

1. Saysi’s audition
2. Acquire Bruce Lee books
3. Meet Cia for lunch
4. Help Wendy out at her “Directing Actors” class
5. Restore justice and cosmic balance to the universe (time permitting)


1. Saysi’s audition

I got to the NYU building where the auditions were at 1pm on the dot. In the lobby I ran into the supercute lesbian friend of Wendy’s. “Hey, I know you,” she said.

“Hi Angela,” I said. “Do you know where Saysi’s audition is?” (They’re all Tisch students together.)

“Yeah, it’s on the fourth floor.”

I took the elevator up to 4 and followed the signs to the “green room” (which was actually white, go figure). I walked in to find a physically attractive but high-maintenance and frosty-looking Asian girl sitting on one of the chairs.

“Hi, is this Saysi’s audition?” I asked her, unsure if I was in the right room.

“This is the audition for DDR,” she said icily, using the name of Saysi’s film. I wasn’t sure if she was being unfriendly or if that was just the way she talks.

Saysi bounced into the room a moment later, super-energetic and smiley. “Hi Rainnnnnn,” she said and led me to the audition room. She’s so cheerful it’s impossible not to like her.


The auditioning room was small and had a single table near the middle, like an interrogation room. Saysi and I sat opposite each other at the desk.

The whole room was painted black, so I kind of felt like I was being interviewed for a job in Hell. (“How do you feel about Eternal Damnation, Mr. Noe? Are you allergic to brimstone? Do you like working with sinners? Would you feel comfortable delegating tasks to imps?”)

A videocamera in the corner recorded the whole thing, which was basically Saysi chatting me up a bit and then me reading the lines a couple times while she offered minimal direciton. Then it was over.

I have no idea if she wants to use me or not, I guess if she does she’ll call. If she doesn’t I guess I’ll have to give up on these crazy dreams of being a big, big star and move back to the farm in Iowa. Oh wait a second, wrong fantasy. I’m a writer from New York, goddammit.


2. Acquire Bruce Lee books

Afterwards I walked up to the Barnes & Noble to see if they had any Bruce Lee books. I gave one of mine away so I have to replace it, plus I finished the new one I’d bought.

Ten minutes later I walked out of there fifty bucks lighter and 868 pages heavier. “The Tao of Gung Fu,” “Jeet Kune Do” and “Artist of Life.” Both the cashier and I told each other to have a nice day, but deep down inside I think we both knew that neither of us meant it.

“Here’s your change. I am completely ambivalent about whatever may happen to you today or for the rest of your life.”

“Thank you for giving me my change, and that only. Your fate and your future concern me less than the geometry problems I encountered in high school.”


3. Meet Cia for lunch

Cia made me a sandwich! The soppressata and mozzarella was from Di Paolo’s in Little Italy but Cia assembled the sandwich herself in her own kitchen. She’d requested I make her a CD and this was my payment.

We sat and ate her sandwiches on the windowsill in front of the Prada store on Broadway, which used to be the SoHo Guggenheim. It’s nice to sit there because the windowsill is wide and the security guards have better things to worry about, like keeping an eye on the $8,000 alligator leather jackets inside.


4. Wendy’s “Directing Actors” class

I didn’t know what to expect from Wendy’s “directing the actors” class, but it definitely wasn’t this.

The way it works is this: A classful of graduate film students, mostly in their 20s and 30s, take turns using two actors in a scene of theirs. The professor, an acting teacher (who’s worked with Woody Allen, I’m told, presumably as a measure of credibility) observes how the “directors” communicate with the actors and offers criticisms.

I had to do two scenes. The first was challenging and the second was, well, interesting. Both were from Wendy’s script.

For the first scene I played a doctor who was supposed to be coaxing a scared child into laughing, using only the dialogue given in the script and my facial expressions. It was fucking hard. I tried incorporating the input given to me by both Wendy and the acting teacher.

As they tweaked and adjusted the ridiculousness of the situation I started to get really self-conscious and did a bad thing--I stopped in the middle of the scene and started laughing at myself and said “I can’t do this,” causing the entire room to groan and yell “Oh come on” at me. After that I felt pretty stupid and did my best to bang out the scene.

I felt bad because I realized my own insecurities were jamming Wendy up so I vowed not to do that again. Which, as it turns out, came in handy for the second scene.


For the second scene Wendy took me to an empty room and introduced me to an actress named Chae-Su, who was supposed to play my wife. Wendy handed me a few pages of script. It featured me and my “wife” talking and snuggling and then I was supposed to cry at the end. Ah, fuck.

“Uhhh, Wendy?” I said, hoping to get some miracle tips.

“Don’t worry about the crying,” she snapped. “We’ll worry about that later.”

“Chae-Su, meet Rain. Rain, meet Chae-Su,” said Wendy. I shook the woman’s hand.

“Now in this scene the two of you have to be physically intimate,” Wendy explained, “so you need to get comfortable with each other’s bodies. I have an exercise you can do if you’re both willing.” The woman and I both nodded.

“Stand up and face each other...that’s it...now Rain, take Chae-Su’s right hand...good...now start tracing the lines on her palm with your finger.”

I did as instructed and noticed Chae-Su’s fingers were trembling. Since she was a pro actor I figured this had less to do with nerves and more to do with the cup of coffee she’d walked in with. But then she squirmed and pulled her hand away and suddenly I felt like a freak. Holy cow, this was like high school all over again.

“Sorry, ticklish,” she explained.

Wendy continued feeding us the exercise. “Okay Rain, start massaging her hand then...good...now move higher...higher...start rubbing her shoulders, yes, that’s it...

“Chae-Su, now you. Start rubbing Rain’s arms. Good. Higher...higher...

“Rain, work your way up the body...put your arms around her...touch her hair, cradle her head....

“Chae-Su, put your arms around him...closer, good, that’s good....”

By the end of the exercise we were as physically close as we could be without me having to buy her dinner. We both sat back down and I noticed something interesting--the automatic force field that strangers in New York (or probably anywhere) put up when sitting in close proximity was pretty much gone. Wow, it worked. Maybe I could try this out on the subway to make everyone else more comfortable.

Then rehearsal for the scene began in earnest. Chae-Su had to sit on my lap and kiss my head while we murmured some dialogue to each other as couples do. Then she gets up to silence a boiling teapot but I pull her back onto me, get all weepy and we continue talking.

We tried it a couple times and Wendy seemed happy with it, so the three of us went back into the classroom where everyone was waiting. Chae-Su sat on my lap and I put my arms around her and leaned my head on her, trying to forget there was a dozen eyes trained on us. I also noticed that Chae-Su’s nose was freezing.

After our first attempt, both the acting teacher and Wendy began feeding us direction. During these interstitial moments Chae-Su kept her hands in contact with me, rubbing my knee and so forth to keep the vibe. I know I should have been doing the same but I was pretty nervous and felt like I might do something wrong so I kept my hands on the couch.

After the second or third take Wendy was satisfied, then Chae-Su and I disengaged and collected our things. The class turned their attention to the next set of actors and director. I pulled my sweater on and walked out and did my best to feel normal.


5. Restore justice and cosmic balance to the universe

When I got home I put my superhero costume on, but then I got hungry so I took the mask off and ate the rest of Cia’s sandwich. Then I started to get a little sleepy so I took the cape off and lay down for a little while. Then I decided to check my e-mail and well, before I knew it it was dark out. And I am damn sure not going to fight crime when it’s dark outside.