Today’s soundtrack: don’t try to bite, the ‘ands that feed you
Today at 12:32am: pineapple stroll



Walking home from work and I stopped in at the Jivamukti Yoga Center for no good reason.

I am going to reprint the rules from their pamphlet here, verbatim with typos, also for no good reason. I will then insert my own mindless commentary, for a very good reason but one that I will never, ever tell you.


PLEASE RESPECT THESE GUIDELINES

1. Dress appropriately when you practice asanas. Do not wear see-through clothes that reveal too much. Both women and men must wear shirts at all times.

That means you, friggin’ Vin Diesel lookalike with the tattoos. No one cares that you have a retarded tribal pattern and a crucifix on your back. Speaking of which, shave your back. You are an animal.

2. No street shoes are to be worn inside the Yoga Center.

Or, wear your shoes inside the Yoga Center if you’d like to receive the beating of your life at the hands of our Head Yogi. He might not look like much but take it from me he’ll fuck you up quick.

3. Be sure to turn off your cell-phone and/ or beeper before entering class.

It makes us mad that we even had to write that out. Motherfuckers should know to turn their shit off, and yet they don’t, ring ring ring and then Yogi has to unstretch, raise up and beat that ass with a curtain rod. You might not think curtain rods hurt much. So leave your phone on and see what happens.

4. Do not undress in the asana rooms or in the hallways. Please use the dressing room for this purpose.

What the fuck did you think the dressing room was for, doing lines? Man take your naked monkey ass out of this hallway before Yogi twists you into a pretzel.

5. Store your bags and personal items in the shelves under the windows or under the stage area (in Brahma).

Didn’t I tell you not to bring your bag in here? Well, let’s just see what’s in this bad boy. How does this zipper work, oh there we go. Now lessee what we got here. Okay the cash is mine, back up ‘fore you get smacked up. Ooh what do we got here, a cell phone? Yeah you’ll get this back at the end of the semester, punk.

6. Please take all refuse (tissues, water bottles, etc.) out of the classrooms with you when you leave.

Are these your nasty-ass tissues? Does Yogi look like a garbageman? Police up your shit before we make you fight Dhalsim.

7. This is a place for spiritual peace but it is still a public space in the middle of New York City. The Yoga Center is not responsible for lost or stolen items. Take responsibility for your own belongings. Take all valuables with you into class. Better yet, rent a locker to be safe.

Remember: While you’re looking for Nirvana, someone else is looking for your wallet. I’m the type of cat who’ll find both in the same place. You’ve been warned.

8. Always remember these Ten Yogic rules of conduct:
Do not harm
Do not steal
Do not lie
Be modest
Do not be greedy
Be clean in thought, word and deed
Be content
Work hard, be disciplined
Study
Dedicate your effors to the Devine

If I catch you breaking ANY of these rules I will take a deep breath, put one leg behind my head, and beat you like a circus monkey.

9. Our Center is committed to a space that is free of discrimination and harassment based on race, color, religion, age, sex, national origin, disability or any other basis protected by federal, state or local laws. In an effort to prevent such illegal harassment or discrimination from occuring, we communicate this policy to every student. Not student is exempt form this policy.

Any student who believes he or she is being discriminated against or harassed based on any of the grounds stated above should report it immediately to the center management.

Now don’t make me angry.