Today’s soundtrack: you better carry, carry me back
Today at 11:58am: general corporate suffering


Dickhead Corporate Power Games and the Men Who Love Them
by N. Rain Noe - 26th grader


Elevator Games 1 - The Crossover

When waiting for elevator, stand to the left of the door. Eventually someone else will come and stand on the right. When doors open, step in first and cross over to the right, interrupting the other person’s stride for no reason. Do this especially if the other person is carrying hot coffee.

Most often played by: Dickhead lawyers from law firm on 12th floor.

Elevator Games 2 - Only The President Has Access To The Button

When multiple people are waiting for the elevator, sometimes latecomers will want to push the button themselves, even though it has clearly already been pushed and is illuminated. Position your body in such a way that latecomers cannot access the button without saying “Excuse me,” revealing their intent and thereby making fools of themselves.

Occasionally you will encounter aggressive latecomers who see no shame in saying “Excuse me” so they may push the button again. To defeat these people, wear headphones and resolutely stare straight ahead.

Most often played by: Me.

Elevator Games 3 - The Escape Pod.

When entering an elevator alone, if you suddenly hear from behind you the hurried footsteps of someone trying to catch it, immediately avert your gaze and press the ‘Door Closed’ button.

Warning: This tactic will not work if the second person happens to be a T-1000-model Terminator.

Most often played by: Douchebag lawyers from 12th floor, that woman from Marketing who pretends she never sees me, me.

Revolving Door Games 1 - The Turn-minator

When going through a revolving door and talking on a cell phone, suddenly use your foot to slam the door to a halt because the conversation you’re having suddenly got intense. Hold door completely immobile until you have finished your conversation as a confused line queues up behind you.

Most often played by: Fuckface greaseball young lawyer guy with pinstripe suit from 12th floor.

Revolving Door Games 2 - The Spin Doctor

When exiting revolving door, immediately come to a flat-footed halt, leaving no room for the person behind you to exit. If executed correctly, this will leave the poor second person no choice but to continue going around inside the revolving door, thereby temporarily transforming that person into some sort of circus monkey.

Hint: In order for this to work, you must initially provide significant force on the revolving door, thereby creating the inertia that will prevent the second person from stopping the door after you jam them up.

Most often played by: Dickwipe lawyers from 12th floor.

Toilet Games 1 - The Shit Buddy

When entering a four-stall bathroom where the first stall is occupied, immediately and noisily enter an adjacent stall, even though two stalls further away are completely unoccupied. Proceed to take a loud, smelly, and seemingly grueling shit complete with sharply interrupted breathing and occasional cursing. If possible, spread your feet so they actually intrude into the floorspace of the person in the next stall.

Most often played by: I’m not sure, but he has some cheap-ass shoes.

Toilet Games 2 - The Pee and Flee

When using a urinal in a bathroom where someone is in one of the stalls taking a horrifically odorous shit, pee as fast as you can. As toilet paper noises come from within the stall, hasten your speed and wash up as quickly as possible, in hopes of escaping the bathroom before the Stinkmaster emerges from his stall.

If the Stinkmaster comes out before you have finished and you make a positive I.D., you have lost. Minus ten points if it’s someone you work with.

Most often played by: Me.

Toilet Games 3 - The Toilet Paper Race

Combine Toilet Games 1 & 2.

Hint: To build a speed advantage, prepare individual toilet paper wipes while you’re still taking care of business. Balance them atop the toilet paper dispenser carefully; standing too fast will create a gust that sweeps them onto the floor, destroying your lead.

Most often played by: Me.