Today’s soundtrack:
It's Too High To Get Over (Yeah, Yeah)
Too Low To Get Under (Yeah, Yeah)

Today at 8:02pm: At my kitchen table discussing the Brooklyn real estate market with Shady and Hapkido Betty


If I could have a theme song--music that would follow me everywhere and be clearly audible to others--it would be the last thirty seconds of Michael Jackson’s “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’.”

I’d walk down the street and people would just hear

mamasay mamasah mamaboosah
mamasay mamasah mamaboosah

A tourist stops me to ask directions, and suddenly they’re drowned out by

mamasay mamasah mamaboosah
mamasay mamasah mamaboosah

A burglar wearing a striped shirt and a mask like Robin’s runs past me. Seconds later an out-of-breath cop runs up, asking me which way he went. But all he gets is

mamasay mamasah mamaboosah
mamasay mamasah mamaboosah

The closer I get to my neighborhood, more and more elderly Cuban dudes in hawaiian shirts, straw hats and sunglasses come out of their buildings and start following me. They surround me like a posse, clapping, shuffling and shooing people away from me.

mamasay mamasah mamaboosah
mamasay mamasah mamaboosah

I want a fucking cigarette.