Today’s soundtrack: we’re a winner
Today at 8:02pm: after hapkido, trying to do a split (and failing)


Well, I went back to the subway station this morning (and yesterday) and the bubble guys were gone.

In their place was a different immigrant selling belts. All kinds of belts on a card table. I waited around in the hopes he could delight a bus full of children by keeping someone’s pants snugly cinched but it didn’t happen.


My Curbwatch Alert System‰ is all fucked-up. I’d only been in Tokyo for seven days but it somehow got reset.

See in Japan they drive on the other side of the road, so you’ve gotta look to your right before stepping off the curb--I habit I remembered and slipped back into instantly while I was there. But now that I’m back in New York, I keep looking to the right, and at least two taxi drivers have called me things they would never say in front of their children.

I didn’t get hit, of course, or I wouldn’t be writing this to you. Unless they’ve got net access in Purgatory.

I’m glad I didn’t get hit by a cab. Not because I’m still alive, but because being run down by a taxi ranks high on my list of Shitty, Useless Ways to Die.



Shitty, Useless Ways to Die


- run down by a taxi
(Getting killed by something another person is paying to ride in is just no good, no good.)

- subway mishap
(Shitty because it’s supposed to take you to work, not the afterlife.)

- any gravity-based death
(falling off of something, getting crushed by something, etc. It’s a shitty way to go because Newton figured gravity out in the 1600s and you still couldn’t get it under control.)

- accidental electrocution
(Three words: “Ben Franklin, 1700s.” What’s your problem.)

- unlucky bystander during shootout
(This sucks because unless you were the intended target, you died simply because someone had bad fucking aim. If they had just put in a little more time at the firing range, you’d be collecting Social Security.)

- amusement park mishap
(Because you paid money, took a day off work and drove all the way out here to ride on this thing and “have fun”)

- botched operation when surgery is performed to rectify damage done in failed suicide attempt
(If committing suicide is saying “You can’t fire me, I quit” to God, then this is God’s way of saying “...Oh yeah?”)

Well. Surely there’s something better than death for me to end this entry on.

...

So...

Did I ever tell you about the time I...

Wait, yes, I did.

Okay, I’m going to bed.