Today’s soundtrack: MCs be needing dough while I make bread like Wonder
Today at 8:02pm: habla habla habla


Hey. Sorry I haven’t written in a while, it’s just because I hate you. Ahahaha just kidding. I’m, er, incapable of hate.

So I’ve been spending a fuck of a lot of time on airplanes lately, let’s discuss. Why do they still make the stewardesses do the safety demonstrations? Is there a motherfucker alive who doesn’t know how to use a seatbelt? Even if there is, wouldn’t it be better to leave his ass in the dark about it and let Darwinism run its course?

If I ran an airline shit would be different. I’d be all “Listen up people ahma tell you one time. This is a seatbelt. If you don’t know how to use it, I strongly recommend you leave it off. I also recommend you play frisbee near crowded expressways, run with scissors and smoke near gas fixtures if at all possible.

“See this orange joint? This shit is an oxygen mask. If it drops out of the ceiling that’s bad, bad news. Means the cabin’s depressurized and you won’t be able to breath normally, which is where the mask comes in. If you can’t figure out how to use it then it’s lights out for you. If there’s anything useful in your carry-on luggage I will sell it on eBay.

“In the event of a water landing you can either follow the instructions on the safety card or you can do what I’d do, which is to break into the pantry and try to make pancakes before this bitch sinks.

“Let’s be honest folks, when was the last time you ever heard of a plane making a successful water landing and everyone got rescued in these rubber raft lifeboats. If this plane starts going down and we’re over water, I fully invite you to begin punching the passenger next to you because in three to four minutes nothing is going to matter anymore.

“If you’ve got a cell phone you can try calling loved ones, but chances are good that I’ll slap the phone out of your hand in order to spread the sensation of futility and hopelessness.

“In a few minutes we’ll be serving peanuts. You may notice the packages have already been opened. That’s because at least half the peanuts in each package have already been in my mouth. Don’t worry, I mean I don’t have a cold or anything, it’s just something I like to do.

“So sit back and enjoy your flight--or don’t, I really don’t give a damn because I get paid either way. The fact is you’re stuck in this bitch for the next few so you might as well make the most of it.

“P.S., act up and I shoot you in the neck with a horse tranquilizer, end of story.”