Today’s soundtrack: the sound of abject silence
Today at 1:02am: ow.


I don’t know what’s happening. It comes both ways, from the inside and the outside. An energy beam erupting from my chest, searing the flesh into flakes and shattering my surroundings, and a lightning bolt that hits my stomach like an electric mallet and rips up the insides before exiting through my back.

I am scared to look down but I do anyway and there are holes, I am bleeding. I try to hold my insides together but they turn to ash while I look on in shock. Desperately trying to hold it and cup it, but it sifts through my fingers, it’s completely out of my control, it’s all over the floor. My knees, damaged from the years, collapse and come to land in an ashy pile of my own ruin.

I sit in my chair and I shake, I lie in my bed and I shake, and I am not proud of myself anymore. It becomes dark and enemies can see me again, my name unfurls on their lists and I can feel the red circle being drawn around me. I’m not supposed to be in this room. I’m not supposed to feel this way. Gravity is not supposed to stop working and send you crashing into the ceiling, tasting plaster and your own brokenness.

I want to work again. Shed plaster, broken bone, blood, guts and glory. Clay in hand, working it, making the guts again. Stuffing them inside, first this way, then that. It’s not comfortable at first but you wedge it in there because you know it will fucking do.

Get up, get up, look around. You can’t tell if it’s over yet but it doesn’t really matter. Let it come again, you can take it. The clay helps, but ultimately it doesn’t matter either. If the energy beam doesn’t get you moving again the lightning bolts will. And if they don’t, I got bad news for you, you’re done.

Well I’m not fucking done.

(And yes, I realize the irony of putting that statement at the end of an entry, which is why I’ll add this one...goddammit, now I’m all out of tone.)