Today’s soundtrack: a brand-new Cadillac and a winning lotto ticket
Today at 7:02pm: Sitting outside, enjoying the nice weather and bus fumes.


So far a whopping two people have signed up for my class. At this rate I might as well hold it in my living room.

I think I’ll start each class off with a grueling regimen of exercises. I mean physical exercises, like push-ups et al. I’ll run it like a drill sergeant.


STUDENT #1: But what did you think of my character exposition?

ME: DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY!

STUDENT #1: Fifty character expositions?

ME: FIFTY GODDAMN SITUPS YOU MEALY-MOUTHED MAGGOT! NOW MOVE IT, HEMINGWAY!

STUDENT #2: Rain, I finished my--

ME: (Grabbing his pencil and breaking it in half) WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

STUDENT #2: Rain.

ME: AND WHAT DID I ASK YOU TO ADDRESS ME AS?

STUDENT #2: (Sighing) Sergeant Sphincter, I finished my plot outline--

ME: WELL GOOD! MAYBE NOW YOU CAN FINISH SCRUBBING THE LATRINE WITH IT! DOES ANYBODY ELSE WANT TO FINISH THEIR PLOT OUTLINE?

Sergeant Sphincter, I need some help with the title of my short story about the blind woman. I’m thinking of calling it “The Woman Who--”

THAT IS THE STUPIDEST TITLE I’VE EVER HEARD! YOU WANT A TITLE, I’LL GIVE YOU A TITLE! LET’S CALL IT “CLUSTERFUCK SPAM-DIGGY IN THE HOUSEFRAU!”

STUDENT #1: You know what, this sucks. I’m outta here.

STUDENT #2: Me too. You’re short, you have bad skin and both of us hate you. (slamming door)

ME: I’m so very lonely.

If the two people who signed up are actually reading this, I’m just kidding about that whole Sergeant Sphincter business. (Colonel Colon would never stoop to the Sergeant’s behavior.) Help me to help you.