Today’s soundtrack: got the string around my finger
Today at 8:02pm: Shopping for plywood at Home Depot.


I liked it better when happiness was an ethereal thing, a true emotion. Now they’ve discovered it to be nothing more than a fortuitous biochemical event. Turn that frown upside-down! New & Improved selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors! Try our delicious happy pills!

I’m not on any medication that doesn’t come from a Virginia tobacco farm, but I wonder if I’ll have to take these happy pills in the future.

I bet in Korea they’re working on Angry Pills. You eat them whenever you’re feeling a little blah. I can just see the press conference.

The Fabulous Adventures of Dr. Ang Rhee


DR. ANG RHEE: We have succeeded in synthesizing the Angry Pill!

REPORTER #1: But Dr. Rhee, why?

DR. ANG RHEE: Because South Korea would like to make an important contribution to the global biomedical community. Are there any other douchebags out there with any other stupid-ass questions for me.

REPORTER #2: Dr. Rhee, why an Angry pill? Why would you invent such a thing?

DR. ANG RHEE: If we’re asking “why” questions I have a “why” question for you. “Why” don’t you shut the fuck up.

REPORTER #2: But I’m just asking--

DR. ANG RHEE: And I’m just telling you to SHUT UP. Nice shirt, loser.

REPORTER #2: My wife gave me this shirt!

DR. ANG RHEE: Well I can see she’s got just as good taste in shirts as she does in husbands.

REPORTER #3: Dr. Rhee, why would you spend precious time and resources developing--

DR. ANG RHEE: Because I hate you, next question.

REPORTER #4: What will you be working on next?

DR. ANG RHEE: My next project will be to develop a Shut The Fuck Up pill. I’ll send you all a whole bunch, do me a favor and take the whole bottle. Don’t forget to mix it with alcohol.

DO NOT READ BELOW IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN The Two Towers! I may inadvertently spoil it for you.


It snowed a whole bunch on Christmas! Holy cow there was so much. The city was whiter than a birthday card from Trent Lott.

Went to see The Two Towers Christmas morning.

- Surprise #1: Theater was crowded at 9:45am.
- Surprise #2: Movie was kind of disappointing.

It wasn’t a bad movie by any means, but to me it didn’t live up to the hype. Frodo Baggins is like the lamest protagonist ever. He spends most of the movie looking either dreamy or scared shitless or both. In this one he falls into a lake for no reason, almost stabs his own gardener and tries to commit suicide by dragon.

I can’t believe Gandalf gave the ring to this douchebag! He’d have been better off selling the shit on eBay. If the goal was just to keep people from wearing it he could have auctioned it off as a “golden napkin ring,” problem solved. The type of people who buy napkin rings don’t have burning desires to rule men and anyway it would just sit in some pantry drawer collecting dust.

Instead he hands it off to a guy named Frodo. Gandalf can fire lightning bolts out of his hands; Frodo’s three-foot nothing and relies on his gardener for muscle.


GANDALF’S BOSS: How’s that Ring project coming?

GANDALF: Er, it’s getting there. I handed it off to Baggins, this...hobbit in the Shire department.

GANDALF’S BOSS: You WHAT?

GANDALF: Don’t worry, Baggins is good! His uncle says--

GANDALF’S BOSS: That little bastard doesn’t even wear shoes! Holy shit Gandalf, you are SO fired.

GANDALF: But--

GANDALF’S BOSS: But nothing! I give you a big project and what do you do, you fob it off on a goddamn intern! Hand in your cane and your hat, you’re through. Finished.

GANDALF: But I--

GANDALF’S BOSS: I don’t wanna hear it, Merlin. Punch out and go home.

Gollum, on the other hand, is interesting. He seems to have trouble with pronouns but his schizophrenia is fascinating. He’s co-dependent and has two personality settings:

Mood 1 - Bowing & Scraping
Mood 2 - Murderous Rage

I think all of us know what Gollum needs: a couple of selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors would do him right. It’s too bad Gandalf can’t conjure up some Zoloft.