All of us have our beliefs and values that make us what we are. Central to my worldview is the belief that John Travolta is no good. If more people understood this we would have no war, no famine, no Battlefield Earth.

You know it’s true. He was no good in Get Shorty, he was no good in White Man’s Burden and he damn sure wasn’t any good in Pulp Fiction. And yet he’s richer than all of us combined.

Then again he’s also married to Kirstie Alley, which is its own sort of curse. A damnation in several parts. I think if I heard that squeaky voice shriek “Good morning honey” and I rolled over to see Kirstie Alley’s twisted mug, I’d head straight down to the kitchen and make myself a nice scotch-and-Windex.

Tonight is Christmas Eve. My girlfriend went back to her parents’ town and Shady went to D.R. with his girlfriend so I’ve got the place to myself. (D.R. = Dominican Republic)

Today I did some last-minute shopping although I don’t have many friends I need to exchange gifts with. Buying gifts is like participating in an arms race--you don’t want to get them, but you have to because the other person’s got them.

I am alone for Christmas this year, which is okay because I was alone for Christmas last year. I don’t mean single, I mean literally all by myself. Last year I was at a KFC in Shanghai and this year I’m spending it with fucking Hobbits. I’m not big into Jesus’ birthday anyway. Like my friend Handsome Dan once said, there’s a nice table waiting for me in Hell “right by the fire.”

Anyways I got my Christmas all mapped out. Tomorrow I’m going to see The Two Towers. I’m going to the 9:45am show because I like when the theater’s empty. No one goes to a movie on Christmas morning.

Last January I went to the 9:45am showing of Lord of the Rings. It was great ‘cause there was only seven people there and we all gave each other plenty of space. The other six people could have been farting the whole time and I wouldn’t have smelled it.

My only worry for tomorrow will be how to acquire good food. Not all restaurants will remain open which limits my options. I can count on Asians and Semitics to keep their restaurants open but the others are a crapshoot.

Diner’s a safe bet. Tomorrow I scarf diner chow and watch hobbits with people who celebrate Hanukah or Ramadan. The movie better not be bad, or Middle Earth is going to get my middle finger.