Today’s soundtrack:
Sammy boy, don’t you know who you are?
Why can’t you be happy at the Emerald Bar?
Today at 8:02pm:
Punch punch block block.
Punch punch block block.
Punch punch block ow FUCK!


Sitting here with headphones, furiously nodding my head to Stereolab’s “Spacemoth.” Mary Hansen died earlier this week, she was one of the singers. Really fucking pisses me off, she was riding her bike and got hit by a car. She reached me but I never got to touch her back.

Some people give you so much, for me it’s mostly musicians. I listen to their songs so many times and it made me feel good so many times. I would have loved to have become a famous author and wrote a really good book that some of these people might have read. If I wrote one fucking thing that Mary Hansen read and laughed at it would have made me so happy.

I listen to Stereolab every other morning on the train on the way to work. I shudder to think a couple days ago Ms. Hansen passed out of this world in a physically violent way and I didn’t even know, just put my headphones on that morning, happy I got a seat on the six.

In Hapkido my Sabumnim often talks about things like willpower, desire, The Way, et cetera. It’s a large part of why I study it. Today he spoke about knowledge and skill and helped me realize some things. I would explain the entire lesson to you but it would sound pedantic.

Do yourself a favor, take martial arts. If you’re looking to stay in shape you might as well take something that strengthens your mind as well. In my late teens I lifted heavy metal bars with weights attached and it was so mindless. I guess back then I really cared what I looked like on the outside.

What has made me a man since then? I’m not sure, but I know what made me an angsty teen.


Childhood Trauma Checklist

- bicycle stolen
- frightening encounter with a clown
- favorite toy/possession/record album broken
- first time seeing blood drawn as a result of violence
- falling of off something high
- having what is supposed to be a joyous event (i.e. birthday party, amusement park outing) interrupted by a severe and decisive spanking

- secret crush ends in publicly humiliating disaster
- failing at a task in which you are expected to excel
- death of a pet (bonus points if death was accidental result of your own actions)

- punching a former friend hard in the face
- deceived by a girlfriend
- first car accident
- (boys only) losing an important fistfight
- seeing someone you respect/admire doing something bad
- knowingly committing your first act of evil

etc, etc.

Dunno why I’m in such a mood tonight. Holidays coming up, too. Maybe that’s what it is.

I won’t get to go on one of my solo trips for Xmas (wait for me, Cuba) but I think B-girl and I will get some Q-time. She’s such a sweetheart. In the mornings I have to leave for work before she does but she insists on seeing me off at the door, even though she should be busy getting ready too. These little things, I can’t describe to you what they do to me.