Today’s soundtrack: I’m not the only one
Today at 3:32pm: falling asleep at work


Oh my god this is so fucking funny. This. Click the link at the end of it, there’s a part two.

Today I did some more work on Project Cannonball and idly wondered what it would feel like to shoot myself in the mouth.


Just finished dinner with Mike and Ji (pronounced “Jee”). Ji is a young Japanese kid, the fourth of Yuka’s four roommates. He doesn’t speak much English but we try to take him around a little. Last night Mike and Shady took him to their Kali school for a workout. (Kali is a Filipino martial art.)

Ji walks behind us silently most of the time, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t understand anything. Probably doesn’t help that Mike and I have conversations like the following:


MIKE: Yo why is it that whenever people ask a genie for a wish, he fucks it up on them?

ME: Right? Genies always give you some shit they know you didn’t really want. All twisting your words around, so fucking sneaky.

MIKE: That’s so messed up. They’re supposed to be magic.

ME: If I was a genie I would just be mad cool with it. I’d be all “Yeah man you can have whatever you want, a thousand wishes, whatever. I’m a genie, I don’t give you any of that morally instructive bullshit.”

MIKE: That’s totally what I would do if I was a genie. What about you, Ji?

JI: ....

So there’s this guy, right, this psychotherapist. He’s a professional Dating Coach and Newsday calls him “The Love Doctor.” He offers a six-week relationship workshop designed to help you “Get the love you deserve...and keep it!”

It’s called the RelationShop (how funny is that) and purports to teach you how to attract the right kind of mate and “keep” them. At $325 a pop it isn’t cheap, but The Love Doctor offers a money-back guarantee. Can you believe it?

Anyways today I got a phone call: AsianAvenue is sending me to take all six weeks of the RelationShop and write it up. This oughta be good for shits and giggles. I’m picturing a classroom full of ambitious but unattractive people, then there will be me. (I’m basically like the other people, minus the ambition.)

All of us will look around the room and think “Would I date anyone in here? ...Nah, I can do better than this.” But if we could do better than this we probably wouldn’t be sitting in the RelationShop, three bills, a twenty and a five lighter. Good thing it’s not on my nickel. Either way I guess I’d better say goodbye to my next six Thursdays.