Today’s soundtrack: psycho killer, qu’est-ce que c’est
Today at 9:02pm: Me and Shady watching kickboxing tapes.


What Guys Do When Girls Ain’t Around


I like travel, you have the most interesting experiences. Mike just came back from a month of shooting a project in Japan. (He’s a photographer, not a marksman.) Last night we’re hanging out at his studio down the hall: It’s me, Mike, Thomas (also a photog) and Javu (Thomas’s friend from Kenya).

Mike is telling us a story: “So I’m at this club in Tokyo called Milk--Rain you been there, right? It’s just a normal bar, right? Really normal, right? Well check this out--I’m there with a female friend, and she’s like ‘Oh I want you to meet a friend of mine, he’s the DJ here’ so I’m like ‘Okay.’”

“So the DJ comes over--wearing NOTHING BUT A T-SHIRT. No pants, no socks, no underwear, nothing. Just a T-shirt and he’s totally naked below the waist, his schlong is all hanging out.”

“Whaaaaaaat?” says Thomas.

“Get the fuck outta here,” I say.

“Yeah, he’s all hanging out!” says Mike. “Everyone saw him and was like, ‘whoooooaaa’ like all moving away and stuff. But my friend was introducing me so I shook his hand.”

“You sure you shook the right part?” asks Thomas.

“I don’t get it,” I say. “Where were his pants? He came to the club with no pants on?”

“I dunno, he probably took them off when he got there,” says Mike. “He likes to spin naked. Also, it turns out this guy is a porn star in Japan.”

“Ahhhhhh,” says Thomas.

“I’ve never seen someone spin with no pants on,” I say.

“Maybe that’s his special trick,” says Thomas. “He can do the scratching thing on the record without using his hands.”

“So anyway,” says Mike, “this guy’s a porn star and he shows me this thing, check it out, I’ll show you. Hey Rain, do this.” Mike holds his hand out in front of him, pinching his finger and thumb together, forming a vagina of sorts. “Do this.”

“Get the hell away from me,” I say.

“Just do it, just do it!” says Mike.

“Fine,” I say, making a vagina with my hand.

“Ohhhhh! Ewwwww!” says Thomas, as Mike takes his two fingers and does...this thing to my hand.

“You see that? You see that? It’s all in the wrist,” says Mike, demonstrating once again. Thomas and Javu crowd around, curious; our kneejerk homo-squeamishness goes away when we realize there’s something of value to be learned here.

“See, most guys do it like that,” says Mike, moving his fingers in a manner I’ve done before. “But that does nothing for the girl. You gotta do it like this,” he says, demonstrating a third time. “And if you wanna get the clitoris, you gotta do it like this.”

“Oooooh,” says Thomas, observing. “Lemme see, lemme see.” Thomas holds out his vagina-hand, and Mike, er, sim-stims him.

“So this guy is showing me this thing,” Mike continues, “and my female friend is standing right there, and the guy says ‘hold out your hand’ and he does it to her hand. And she was like ‘Whoa--that’s pretty good! Do it again! Whoa, that’s pretty good!’ Then I tried doing it to her hand and she was like ‘Nnnnnnno, no, it’s not the same.’

“This guy was really good at it,” Mike continues. “I mean it’s what he does all day, you know?”

“Like this? Like this?” says Thomas, doing it to Mike’s hand.

“Not quite, not quite,” says Mike. “It’s all in the wrist.”

Later I’m hanging out in Annie’s room with Shady, and Mike walks in. “Hey, do this,” says Mike, holding out his vagina-hand. “Shady, do this.”

“Get the hell away from me,” says Shady.