Today’s soundtrack: when my memory starts to wander
Today at 11:02am: Waking up 2.1 hours late for work. Ohhhhh boy.


1. what's on your bedside table?
An attention-starved alarm clock

2. what's the gayest part of your music collection?
Right. Like I buy Lionel Richie albums and I’m gonna write about it here

3. what do you eat when you raid the fridge at night?
Fridge contains only liquids

4. what is your secret guaranteed weeping film?
I only cried once at a movie, it was a Korean documentary you’ve never heard of. And I wasn’t really crying, there was just something in my eye

5. if you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Extra arms added, like that Vishnu fellow

6. do you have a completely irrational fear?
Honestly answering internet questionnaires for public scrutiny

7. what is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
I sometimes stand up and announce “I’m not feeling very secure”

8. do you ever have to beg?
Saving myself for marriage

9. do you have too many love interests?
No. If anything I have too much credit card interest

10. do you know anyone famous?
Let’s put this in perspective by remembering that David Hasslehoff is considered a god in Germany

11. describe your bed.
A soft, padded rectangle.

12. spontaneous or plan?
I’m spontaneous in matters of the heart. I plan things out in matters of the clubs, spades and diamonds

13. who should play you in a movie about your life?
The child that Woody Allen and Soon-Yi will someday have

14. do you know how to play poker?
goto 12

15. what do you carry with you at all times?
A mild sense of dread

16. how do you drive?
As if I’m being pursued by John Bunnell

17. what do you miss most about being little?
The Napoleon complex and not being able to reach things on the top shelf

18. are you happy with your given name?
Only if it’s like, screamed in terror

19. what color is your bedroom?
It’s a tasteful melange of fuschia, magenta and rugburn

20. what was the last song you were listening to?
That goddamn NBC commercial with Star Jones

21. have you ever been in a school play?
Yes but it was a non-speaking role (I played a tree)

22. have you ever been in love?
When I went to prison it was a crazy, mixed-up time for me. Anyways look, I did what I had to do to survive

23. do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, yeah, I’m ready to run for President

24. have you ever done any illegal drugs?
Of course not man. In terms of being “high on life,” I’m like John Belushi on a Bolivian safari

25. do you think you're cute?
Yes. People often fawn over my poor posture, bad skin and sickly appearance

26. do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
I’m like the rest of us: an angel on one shoulder, a devil on the other