Today’s soundtrack: Do you remember, the 21st night of September
Today at 8:02pm: Me, Lam and Tony jawboning on a stoop in Chinatown


You have friends who are upright and friends who are sideways. Lillian’s one of my upright friends so I was surprised when she didn’t return my e-mail.

But today I got an e-mail from her explaining her absence; last week she up and went to London, which is where she is now. Made the decision one day and flew out the next. Man! I haven’t even left the borough this month. I don’t think my car’s been on the bridge since it was hot out, goddammit.

Last night in Hapkido I thought I would have a heart attack. Lately the Sabumnim has been working us extra hard; the warm-up sessions feel like Army punishment. I swear. It’s so grueling you see fat people come into class and after an hour they turn thin.

Our dojang offers free trial classes, so in every other class there’s usually somebody wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. Last night it was a muscular brunette girl and I got paired up with her.

We were doing kick-drills so, assuming she was a novice, I took it super-easy with her. Then she started whipping all these crazy kicks at me; I completely misjudged what she was throwing and her foot shot around my block, stopping next to my face.

As the minutes wore on it became obvious she had either studied something along the lines of Thai kickboxing or was some sort of freelance Ninja.

(Freelance ninja, can you imagine the resume?


OBJECTIVE: To kill enemies with stealth and disappear in a ball of smoke.

QUALIFICATIONS: Many times I have killed enemies with stealth and disappeared in a ball of smoke.

SKILLS: Killing stealthily, making smokebombs.

AWARDS & ACHIEVEMENTS: 2002 Golden Smokebomb for Best Assassination (Division One)

INTERESTS: Badminton, volleyball, French.

REFERENCES: All of my references are dead...you can join them if you like.)


Disappointingly, Ninja Girl was assed-out after only five minutes. She had great kicks, really quick, but absolutely no endurance. Winded, she slunk off the mats somewhat embarrassed while I continued drilling with imaginary foes. I pretended I was fighting William Shatner and Adrian Zmed. It’s more exciting that way. Even though Adrian Zmed is no match for me.

After class, Eggtart came over for dinner. It’s cool having friends who live in the same neighborhood. However Eggtart lives in deep Chinatown, the real shit, whereas I live in fake Chinatown, the part the tour buses come through. If you hang out in Eggtart’s neighborhood you won’t see a white person all day.

My cooking didn’t come out so good, but Shady and Eggtart choked it down gamely. I really gotta learn to cook right, it’s getting kind of embarassing.

Presently Annie (the new next-door neighbor) came by, followed by Jerry.

“It’s Hanako’s birthday,” Shady mentioned. “She’s having it at Double Happiness, me and Jerry are gonna go by. You guys should come out.”

Jerry’s cell phone rings. It’s a female friend of his, Dee. Jerry talks to her for a minute, then hangs up. “I gotta go to the subway station to pick Dee up...she’s scared to walk over here.”

“Whaaaaaaat? What station is she at?”

“Broadway and Prince,” says Jerry.

“Broadway and Prince is in fucking SoHo,” I practically yell. “What is she, afraid she’s gonna get mugged by shoppers coming out of the Prada store?" But he went anyway.

Eggtart had to get home to finish some work, so I walked her back while the rest of the group went to the bar.

In front of Confucius Plaza we passed two Chinese guys on ladders, installing one of those huuuuuuge Chinese store signs. The old one, easily the length of a limousine, lay on the ground. It had plastic Chinese characters on it, each one bigger than my head. “I wonder if we can pull those off,” I said.

“I’ll ask,” said Eggtart. “Mmgoyyy,” she called up to the guys on ladders. A brief Cantonese exchange followed, at the end of which the workers assenting to us taking some characters off the sign.

“Can you read Chinese?” I asked. “I don’t know what they say.”

Eggtart looked them over. “This one is just the owner’s name. These ones say, Chinese Medicine. These ones say, Buy Here. These ones say, As Much As You Want.”

I ended up taking the ones that say As Much As You Want. I have no idea what I’ll do with them. Clean them and hang them, I suppose.

On the way home I stop off at the bar. Double Happiness is a terrible, terrible place but I figure I’ll say hello to everyone, have a Tsingtao and act, you know, normal. Don’t look at me, because I am normal.